"Several times this week, the discussion of masks have been brought up to me, by several different folks. It's been said that we who breathe the same air tend to have the same goals, objectives, and expectations out of life, but I'm not sure how certain that is when we are all certainly different. There are people who experience life from the worst perspective, some from the best, and some from the average. I often take advantage of what I do not know about the world, if I ignore it, it does not exist. But sadly, that is not how reality works. Just like everyone else, I morph myself into how I would like others to perceive me. I put my mask on each day to hide my minuscule amount of pain compared to others, to hide my lustful past, and the person I've tried not to become. I hide behind a good name & a reputation that was built for me since childhood, but it won't last forever. I have a kind heart, but it started to become heavy some time ago."
That was a thought I had tonight I attached underneath the photograph shared above through an Instagram post. Sometimes, I over think things, and who doesn't? But recently, I cannot help but feel as though I am talking to myself here. Not only on this blog, which I suppose is a good thing at this point, because these posts are beginning to sound like exactly what they are: late night thoughts and vulnerable emotion. But, I am starting to feel small compared to the reality of things and others. For someone who has been through a traumatic family loss, I am not the only one to go through it. I know at least four people off the top of my head who has unfortunately felt the raw pain and drastic change losing a parent brought to their lives. It does not make me feel any better that I am not alone in the instance, in fact, it makes me feel a little bit worse, just because I would have never wished anything like that on any other person, not even my worst enemy.
There are other things that have occurred in my past that I tend to keep hidden, but again, everyone has topics they prefer not to bring up, which always seems to be an issue when trying to get to know someone, take in a romantic nature for example. When you begin talking to somebody, I am assuming in hope to find the person you have dreamed about your being with your whole life, why is the first thing you ask about is their past? I have never understood that, ever. If someone wants to begin a life with someone, I say just start anew. Is that not what one looks for in a new start? Maybe my perception of knowledge is off a bit, or maybe I just do not feel the need to judge others on their past, which makes me a hypocrite, because I judge myself based upon the past all the time. But, we are not talking about me right now; we are talking about my idea of the general public.
Well, I guess we are sort of talking about me, but in a general sense. Think of me as an outside person. I have been told to embrace my past, I have also been told to never look back. How am I supposed to embrace what I am not allowed to look back on? Now that just does not make any sense. Sometimes I wish positive quotes like that had fine print, or side effects underneath in the caption because they trick us. They trick us into thinking THAT is the way I wish things would go, and then they make one hope things with just fall into place. Or, someone relates so closely to a quote they find, they feel as though it was directly made for them, when in reality it was made for a good hundred thousand other individuals as well.
Take this one for example:
After reading that, where does that take you? Does it hit you close to home? Because it does for me. I have this bad habit of thinking that even though I am human, I can help everyone get themselves together somehow, or onto a better track if they feel they are on a bad road. And not once has it put me into a "good position" in my life. However, it teaches me more every day. That quote is correct; "nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older as you see people in your life break one by one." And I guess tonight I am that person sitting in their own mind, that someone who cannot help but "wonder when [my] turn is going to be, or if it's already happened."
~Beginner Bohemian Blogger.
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