With a half-hour left of sitting behind a computer at work, I am left to making a blog instead of doing a fairly hefty amount of homework. I suppose I needed to write a new blog anyways, but recently I have been in quite a funk, or just out-and-about. These past two weeks has been the return week(s) from Spring Break. I did not go anywhere exotic, but I did do some fun activities with "Billy the Kid" (as mentioned on my Instagram page). I am doing my best to remember some of them; he took me to Golden Corral for the first time, that was a fun time full of gluttony! It was super amazing... If you know me at all, I love food. What else did we do... We stared off Spring Break over at a backyard fire get-together/Barbecue/party thing, which was pretty awesome. It was a great way start to a busy week. I ended up staying at his Uncle's with him for the week, where I was put to work cleaning for my temporary residency & ended up getting sick the Thursday before we went back to school, which was not as fun at all. A few other things happened over break as well, but I seriously am just spacing at the moment.
Recently, (and by recently I mean the past four Saturdays) I have been going to classroom lectures for driving school & throughout the weeks I have been taking some road lessons as well. They are an arm & a leg ($40 ea.) and they are taking my hard earned money out of my pocket, but to be quite honest, these lessons have been one of the few things I have been looking forward to over the course of these two weeks. It seems to be the calmest and most nerve racking hour of paid time I have encountered. Something else I have noticed is that it all goes by too quickly; and now that I know how to physically drive a car, I am way more anxious to just make money & save up for my own damn car as fast as I can. School is almost over, only about one more month and some days left of school, then I can work my ass off. Hopefully then I could maybe make about a good chunk of money ($3000 maybe..?) to save up & finally get that much closer. It'd be pretty fresh to finally have a physical THING to hold & care for to show I have been taking something seriously & bettering my life some how.
That's another thing, "bettering my life..." What the hell does that even mean? I have been in school since I was freakin' 5 years old, working up to an excelling education, and doing my absolute best to make my parents happy. Well, once I lost one of those people whom I spent my whole life pleasing, it really put a damper on the rest of my life... It really did. I sit and wonder sometimes why I really do the things that I do. I waste money on going out to eat, other's habits, and why do I spare change to strangers because they don't have what is simply in my pocket...? Anyway, I'm getting off topic. I seem to have some bad days, and others are better, but today? Just didn't roll out of bed the right way I suppose. How about yesterday? Well, physically it was a great day! I ended up going to explore a local park in the neighborhood and taking a deep walk into woods, onto paths, nearby water, and enjoyed a nice "Easter" picnic. But mentally? It felt like I was somewhere else...
It hits me sometimes when I realize I am not doing things or going places with my mother, or I am not going to go somewhere I feel "comfortable." Take this summer for example; I am most likely going to spend my time up here by school and work majority of the summer. I will be hopefully working close to full time, and making enough money to save, perhaps I will even keep my job at the deli and make some extra money on the side. That all sounds pretty positive, right? Well... I hit a wall recently that I forgot was built... My father & I are now taking out loans each semester for my schooling which means, realistically, I should be sending him money to go towards school, but the money that I make is mine - and he has let me know that - so I want it to go towards a car. However, I feel as though it is not going to happen this year... And I just need to accept that as a fact. Will has already told me that I need to be patient, and it will all fall into place, and it will happen when it happens... Which is completely true. But like I said, now that I am learning how to, and basically know how to drive, I am just anxious and would love a car of my own. No more depending on people for bringing my ass back and forth anywhere, no more asking for favors, or giving out gas money; it is simply frustrating that I am working so hard for a small amount of money per year, when in reality, there are people out there making six-figures a year... It's so UGHHH. That's how I've basically been feeling... haha. Moderate line between sad, discouraged, and content. It sounds weird, I know... but I have given up on how my brain thinks, and what comes of it. Like I said, some days are bad, others are better.. but I know I have some obstacles I still have yet to overcome, whether it has to do with still grieving loss, completing school, getting a car, making money for the rest of my life... I will get it done, in due time.
~ C'est la Vie ~
There may or may not be a vlog post in the future - depends how I'm feeling. Thank you everyone for continuously checking out my blog even though I haven't posted much in the last month or so. I'm off to work now; don't forget to keep your head up. Even if things are tough, or your heart is heavy, or if your brain is in shambles, know that you have potential inside you to finish what you start, always. You're beautiful, and insecurities are just temporary. Stay Strong & "Always Keep Fighting."
Recently, (and by recently I mean the past four Saturdays) I have been going to classroom lectures for driving school & throughout the weeks I have been taking some road lessons as well. They are an arm & a leg ($40 ea.) and they are taking my hard earned money out of my pocket, but to be quite honest, these lessons have been one of the few things I have been looking forward to over the course of these two weeks. It seems to be the calmest and most nerve racking hour of paid time I have encountered. Something else I have noticed is that it all goes by too quickly; and now that I know how to physically drive a car, I am way more anxious to just make money & save up for my own damn car as fast as I can. School is almost over, only about one more month and some days left of school, then I can work my ass off. Hopefully then I could maybe make about a good chunk of money ($3000 maybe..?) to save up & finally get that much closer. It'd be pretty fresh to finally have a physical THING to hold & care for to show I have been taking something seriously & bettering my life some how.
That's another thing, "bettering my life..." What the hell does that even mean? I have been in school since I was freakin' 5 years old, working up to an excelling education, and doing my absolute best to make my parents happy. Well, once I lost one of those people whom I spent my whole life pleasing, it really put a damper on the rest of my life... It really did. I sit and wonder sometimes why I really do the things that I do. I waste money on going out to eat, other's habits, and why do I spare change to strangers because they don't have what is simply in my pocket...? Anyway, I'm getting off topic. I seem to have some bad days, and others are better, but today? Just didn't roll out of bed the right way I suppose. How about yesterday? Well, physically it was a great day! I ended up going to explore a local park in the neighborhood and taking a deep walk into woods, onto paths, nearby water, and enjoyed a nice "Easter" picnic. But mentally? It felt like I was somewhere else...
It hits me sometimes when I realize I am not doing things or going places with my mother, or I am not going to go somewhere I feel "comfortable." Take this summer for example; I am most likely going to spend my time up here by school and work majority of the summer. I will be hopefully working close to full time, and making enough money to save, perhaps I will even keep my job at the deli and make some extra money on the side. That all sounds pretty positive, right? Well... I hit a wall recently that I forgot was built... My father & I are now taking out loans each semester for my schooling which means, realistically, I should be sending him money to go towards school, but the money that I make is mine - and he has let me know that - so I want it to go towards a car. However, I feel as though it is not going to happen this year... And I just need to accept that as a fact. Will has already told me that I need to be patient, and it will all fall into place, and it will happen when it happens... Which is completely true. But like I said, now that I am learning how to, and basically know how to drive, I am just anxious and would love a car of my own. No more depending on people for bringing my ass back and forth anywhere, no more asking for favors, or giving out gas money; it is simply frustrating that I am working so hard for a small amount of money per year, when in reality, there are people out there making six-figures a year... It's so UGHHH. That's how I've basically been feeling... haha. Moderate line between sad, discouraged, and content. It sounds weird, I know... but I have given up on how my brain thinks, and what comes of it. Like I said, some days are bad, others are better.. but I know I have some obstacles I still have yet to overcome, whether it has to do with still grieving loss, completing school, getting a car, making money for the rest of my life... I will get it done, in due time.
~ C'est la Vie ~
There may or may not be a vlog post in the future - depends how I'm feeling. Thank you everyone for continuously checking out my blog even though I haven't posted much in the last month or so. I'm off to work now; don't forget to keep your head up. Even if things are tough, or your heart is heavy, or if your brain is in shambles, know that you have potential inside you to finish what you start, always. You're beautiful, and insecurities are just temporary. Stay Strong & "Always Keep Fighting."