Well, here I am, nearly one month later from my last post, and I am chalk full of information I suppose I could catch you up on. Well, let's start off with today. I am currently sitting down, nonchalantly drinking a cup of coffee, listening to Watsky, while I wait to head into work, and am typing this up for both you and myself. I have not really been making much of my thoughts lately - all I really know is that they are in the future while I am struggling to get through the present. Since the end of September, I have been stressing about the month of November, a whole month (and some days) in advance before it even arrived. And now that the month is here and almost gone, everything I have been stressing about has gone smoothly. If you have any form of anxiety, the feeling of stressing for no reason is simply exhausting; but finding out afterwards that you worried for nothing, it only makes one feel more anxious, if not depressed. These releases of stress for me have been everything but depressing, due to them bringing several opportunities into my distant future, but for the time being I feel "off." I wouldn't say that I am falling back into my depression, because it hasn't accelerated to that point, but I just feel myself changing. I am learning significant knowledge about my potential career as a psychologist; I am beginning to open my eyes to situations I have created for myself over the last few years; I am learning a great deal of how terrible this world truly is; I am learning that I have potential to be a great person, however, my insecurity, past, and memories tell me otherwise. There are only a few circumstances that I can count that have scarred me emotionally over the little portion of my life that I have lived, and lately, my present has been forcing me to look back on my experiences. Whether through homework reflections or funny situations, I have just reflected upon who I am up to this point, and the truth is. . . I don't see much accomplishment aside from what is "expected of me." I am simply a teenager who is going to college and "making something of herself" to succeed in this world as we know it . . . Okay, sure - there's the societal view of how my life is viewed. But my family, they see me rising up from a tragic loss from a young age; an independent young lady who is working, and still going to school. Aside from what I tell them, they are blind to the silly decisions I make while I am actually out and living on my own. But as far as how I see myself? Okay, well, I am still a student - granted, I am currently in the B area for about half of my classes, I am still passing and doing well in my academics. I am working two jobs, three if you count the one I have waiting for me back home, as well as a job opportunity that was offered to me over the phone. So, I mean I am doing well for myself in the sense I am setting up a network for my future self and am adding things to my resume. Personally? I am not really happy, because after developing some kind of social anxiety, I have been doing my absolute best with making plans, and fixating social settings so I can fix what I created in my own head - Conditioning myself out of anxiety if you will, it hasn't worked yet, but it has gotten better. I am learning and becoming more dependent with public transit, which I am happy about, and as dumb as this sounds, is one of the reasons I cannot wait to go home for Christmas break, so I can take all the buses to where ever they go, and learn the routes. To be honest, I am not sure why I haven't done that yet. . . I am getting tired of riding my bike everywhere, even though it is becoming a trademark of mine, I am overusing my purple beauty and I would love to retire it only for the summer season.
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