With April soon coming to a close, I am beginning to realize how much has changed overall in my life. Not just the elements on the surface, like location, appearance, and habits, but I have managed to alter views I previously held, I have gained several new skills, renewed my motivation level to achieve things I was unaware of myself. I am not saying these things to be boastful, or to try and tell you how much I have excelled, it is more of a "check point" of where I am now verses where I will be next year, or the year after that. Ending my sophomore year of college sounds almost surreal, not that it should, because the goal is to make it through to Senior year, plus an additional year. I currently have a thought, so try and stay with me. If life is like an hourglass, yet you live several lives as a student, an employee, a friend, a daughter/son, etc., there are several hour glasses flipped upside down on your table right now, with sand falling through, just running out of time. And if you think even harder, and try and zoom out of that metaphor and pan into the big, BIG picture - you'll realize that our live is one hourglass; the breaths we take are the grains of sand; the pearls that collect at the bottom are the most precious experiences we have been able to gain. Because I enjoy writing, and I have not put a nice metaphor on paper for a while, I would like to thank you for sticking with me and reading that, but does it make sense to you the way it makes sense to me?
All of my life I feel as though I have lived either a double life, or always found conflict in placing myself whether it be somewhere like school, or as an individual. I am somebody who fluctuates. If you know me at all, my opinions sway like the wind, my mind changes like clockwork, and if you sit and wait a little while, I bet my mood will change too. But from an individualistic approach, I feel it is because I try and balance all of these personas into one person, and I need to fully accept it is never going to coincide the way I would like it to. If you are confused, let me try to explain some more. I am a student while I am at school, who also works, currently three jobs. As an employee alone, I need to be an IT help support person, a deli clerk, and front end assistant working with little children, teenagers, mothers, fathers, and grandparents - those are very different areas of service. I understand they all hold the same basic principles, those are still separate portions of myself & my work ethic. Ever since an early age, I had difficulties dealing with the double life I lead with my parents. At some point in my childhood, I needed to start seeing my father through court advised visits; which meant the way I acted around my father when I saw him only twice a week, was clearly very different from the way I would act around my mother after school, at the dinner table, and within a structured, strict home. I have had this inner conflict for a while. And we all know it probably did not get easier as high school rolled around. If you were thinking that, then YOU'D BE CORRECT!
All of my life I feel as though I have lived either a double life, or always found conflict in placing myself whether it be somewhere like school, or as an individual. I am somebody who fluctuates. If you know me at all, my opinions sway like the wind, my mind changes like clockwork, and if you sit and wait a little while, I bet my mood will change too. But from an individualistic approach, I feel it is because I try and balance all of these personas into one person, and I need to fully accept it is never going to coincide the way I would like it to. If you are confused, let me try to explain some more. I am a student while I am at school, who also works, currently three jobs. As an employee alone, I need to be an IT help support person, a deli clerk, and front end assistant working with little children, teenagers, mothers, fathers, and grandparents - those are very different areas of service. I understand they all hold the same basic principles, those are still separate portions of myself & my work ethic. Ever since an early age, I had difficulties dealing with the double life I lead with my parents. At some point in my childhood, I needed to start seeing my father through court advised visits; which meant the way I acted around my father when I saw him only twice a week, was clearly very different from the way I would act around my mother after school, at the dinner table, and within a structured, strict home. I have had this inner conflict for a while. And we all know it probably did not get easier as high school rolled around. If you were thinking that, then YOU'D BE CORRECT!